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The Value of Premarital
Counseling:
A good friend of mine likes to say: "Marriage is grand. Divorce is a
hundred grand."
The national success rate for marriage is about 50%.
The success rate for “my” marriages remains at over 95%.
I believe a lot of that success has to do with realistic, practical,
individually-tailored premarital counseling with a qualified
Counselor. Which would be me!
Most folks don’t realize that seminaries tend to give a class or
two—not even a full course—in counseling, and expect clergy to sort
of pick up the skills on the job.
After Ordination as an Interfaith Minister, I went on to earn a
degree as Minister of Spiritual Counseling and a Ph.D. in
Therapeutic Counseling. So, between studies and actual hands-on
experience, I know what I’m talking about!
 When
you enter counseling, even if it’s just a single two-hour session,
you really have to feel comfortable with, and trust, your Counselor.
You also have to know that whatever you say in my office is going to
stay within these walls. After all, you may end up talking about
some rather personal issues—some common ones include anger
management, a need for control, teasing that becomes too pointed and
may seem mean, or getting upset with your spouse over something that
actually recalls some previous event in your life that has nothing
to do with your spouse at all…
So it’s extremely important to me to earn your trust and have you
feel safe in what we share together.
First of all, I make it a point to emphasize all the great things
you’re already doing right, so that you know to keep on doing them!
In specific areas where you’re not on the same page and I feel that
could become a potential problem between you, I will give you
practical, personalized, hands-on tools to improve and eliminate the
problem. I’ll suggest directions to take, resources to use—whatever
it takes to get you back on track. Of course, it’s up to both of you
to actually use them!
I’ll also remind you that it is never just one person who’s
responsible for an issue; the way you react to and support each
other is a critical part of the solution…
 Since
I want everyone whose wedding I perform to stay happily married, I
will remind you that marriage is a living thing, it is organic and,
as such, it will continually change. Sometimes you’ll feel like
you’re in the blooming springtime of romance (even when you’ve been
married fifteen years) and, other times, you’ll feel it’s a dormant
time of year. Don’t ever let business or other concerns allow your
marriage to feel dormant for more than 10 days to two weeks! If you
do, dormancy will start to feel normal—and that is not a good idea!
You’ve heard the analogy that the shoreline and the sea always meet,
but where they meet can be very different depending on the tide.
Well, sometimes you’re going to feel like a surging wave, and
sometimes you’re going to feel like the stretch of beach.
That’s normal.
Part of what I do is show you how to make it FUN to keep your
romance alive, to keep communication open and problem-solving an
adventure—yes, a fun adventure. Honest.
And I encourage you to check in with me once or twice a year after
you’re married. After all, you don’t wait for the car to break down
before you get a tune-up! In fact, I’ve begun a new program of
including a free or half-price counseling session with most of “my
couples” during their first year of marriage. I promise you—the
extra effort is well worth it! |
